The Language Of Love: How To Communicate With Your Spouse

By Richard Montgomery
http://www.culturelovefamily.com/

After seeing Hill Harper’s debacle of a premarital counseling session with Cynthia and Peter on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I felt compelled to consider sharing my story of premarital counseling. Mr. Harper’s pseudo-technical approach to preparing them for marriage would make even the most confident couples reconsider engaging in a dialogue about how to synthesize their values into a marriage.

I have a background in counseling and therapy, and I was definitely in touch with my personal baggage, along with my firm yet flexible ideas about what I wanted out of marriage. I felt confident that I at least knew the psychological tools to deal with marital problems should they happen to arise.

The one thing that I believe endures in a marriage is the spiritual element to long-term committed relationships. This spiritual aspect cannot be explained in concrete terms, but is associated with hope and faith in the face of dispiriting events. While psychological counseling can identify potential barriers and provide strategies for dealing with them, the qualities of faith and hope are what in my opinion, keep couples together for the long-term. So when it came time to select a form of premarital counseling, we chose pastoral counseling. While I do not recommend pastoral counseling as the sole form of premarital counseling prior to getting married, I did use it, to my dismay.

My experience in pastoral counseling reinforced my view that the prudent approach to premarital counseling is a combination of pastoral and psychological counseling. In fact, depending on the strength of your spiritual connection with your spouse-to-be, you may not need pastoral counseling. It may be more beneficial to focus solely on premarital counseling with a psychologist. My wife grew up in a family that encouraged six-day-a-week church attendance, and I grew up in home where we went twice a week; therefore we had enough life experience to feel solid about our belief in a Creator. We figured the combination of knowledge (spiritual and psychological) between us negated the need for counseling in either form, but we concluded that pastoral counseling would be helpful in transitioning to a one-denomination family.

One of the most important activities we undertook in pastoral counseling was reading the book “The 5 Love Languages: The secret to love that lasts.” The book basically says 3 things: 1) everyone has a way that they express and interpret love, 2) these expressions and interpretations generally occur in five categories, and 3) people often have a combination of these five. Though I was aware of the importance of communication, I found this model for developing love within relationships important because of its immediate usability. The five love languages are defined as:

1. Words of Affirmation – a person with this love language enjoys unsolicited compliments.

2. Quality Time – a person with this love language appreciates having your undivided attention.

3. Receiving Gifts – a person with this love language believes that gifts are important, with emphasis on the level of thoughtfulness behind the gift.

4. Acts of Service – a person with this love language appreciates when you volunteer to do things for him or her that reduces the burden on them.

5. Physical Touch – a person with this love language likes to be touched; hugs, holding hands, and thoughtful touches are considered satisfying.

These languages are not sole identifiers of the type of spouse your significant other will be. Often, a combination of languages can describe a particular person. If you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationship through better communication, I definitely recommend that you identify your potential or current spouse’s language. If, at the end of your marital counseling sessions, you are unable to tell what you future mate’s language is, keep dating.

Tattoos and the Workplace? Thoughts?

I just watched a YouTube video "Tattoos taboo in the workplace?" provided by CNN. I was not able to share the video here on BFT but I was able to get the link so that you can see the video on YouTube? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZ_9Z8gaFHo

If a person has tattoos, should they be able to freely without judgement show off their tattoos while in the workplace? My issue is this, if you covered your tattoos up during the interview process, then shouldn't you cover them up during work? I don't have a problem with tattoos because I have several friends that do have them...I am just asking the question. What do you think about tattoos in the workplace? Is it grounds for discrimination? Does perception matter in the workplace? Thoughts?

BFT Discussion: What is your definition of lonely?

My aunt and I were talking about being loneliness. She was explaining to me that just because you have mate in your life, does not mean you are lonely. She also explained to me that loneliness has to be filled from within. No one can fill that void for you. So my question to you is what is your definition of being lonely? How do you think you can resolve it?

New Video: The Introduction to Intimacy by Kem & Behind the Scenes

Iyanla Vanzant Talks About Her New Book "Peace by Broken Pieces"

New Movie: Madea's Big Happy Family in Theaters In April 2010

The History of Blacks and the Republican Party by Kenneth Raymond

By Ken Raymond

Many former slaves left a political legacy that’s been ignored or completely forgotten by their descendants--even during Black History Month.

As they struggled against the violence and racism of the mid-1800’s, it’s likely they thought this heritage would continue to improve the lives of their descendants.

This legacy is the Republican Party.

For over 50 years, Black people have given over 90 percent of its votes to the Democrat Party. The Democrat Party can always count on strong support from the Black Community.

But that’s certainly wasn’t the case during the mid-1800’s. During that time, the Republican Party led the fight against strong Democrat opposition to pass the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments to the Constitution. These changes abolished slavery, granted blacks citizenship and the right to vote. It was clear to all Black people who their friends were in the political arena.

General sentiments towards the Republicans were very hostile, in the south, after the Civil War. Most, if not all, southern citizens had a friend or a family member that died in the Civil War. That made it was very difficult for the GOP to get a solid foothold in southern states--even among southerner’s that agreed with them.

Blacks built the GOP in Southern States

This created an opportunity for former slaves to return a tremendous act of kindness to their benefactors and help themselves at the same time. And they did it with great enthusiasm.

According to Dr. Ronnie W. Faulkner, associate professor of history at Campbell University, one-third of the 147 founders of the North Carolina Republican Party were black. A few of the black founders were George Henry White, James Young, E.A. Johnson, John C. Dancy, Issac Smith, and James E. Shephard.

George White was elected to the Congress as a Republican from North Carolina’s 2nd District in 1896. Congressman White was one of the first 23 blacks elected to Congress after the Civil War—and they were all Republicans.

Helen Edmond documents in her book “The Negro in Fusion Politics in North Carolina , 1894-1901” that the black founders of the North Carolina GOP helped build local organizations and establish Republican voter majorities in 16 counties by 1896. They were Caswell, Greenville, Vance, Warren, Halifax, Northampton, Hertford, Bertie, Pasquotank, Chowan, Washington, Craven, Pender, New Hanover, Richmond, and Edgecombe counties. They also assisted in gaining 40 to 49 percent of voter strength within 47 counties.

Because of the support of Black Republicans, the GOP became very competitive, in the southern states, and could challenge the Democrats at all levels of government.

The same scenario played out throughout the southern states. More Black Republicans were elected to Congress and black men like Norris Wright Cuney, chairman of the Texas State Republican Party in 1883, led the GOP throughout many southern states.

And the alliance paid off. After being elected to the White House and Congress, the Republican’s passed the Enforcement Act, and the Civil Rights Acts of 1871 and 1875. The Enforcement Act protected blacks from the Klu Klux Klan and the Civil Rights Acts declared that blacks were to receive equal treatment in public places.

So What Happened?

So why did blacks switch from giving over 90 percent of its support from Republicans to Democrats? Especially since the Democrats were staunchly pro-slavery, established the Klu Klux Klan, and anti-civil rights?

It started in 1892 when Democrat President Grover Cleveland was elected and the Democrats took control of Congress. Their first act was to repeal the Enforcement Act and the Civil Rights laws passed by Republicans. These laws were replaced with the Black Codes and Jim Crow laws—which severely limited economic, educational, social, and political opportunities of blacks.

The Jim Crow laws weren’t challenged until 61 years later. In 1957, Republican President Dwight Eisenhower sent the Civil Rights Act of 1957 to Congress to re-establish Civil Rights for Black people. At that time, Democrat Senator Lyndon Johnson, who was the Senate majority leader, did not allow the bill to pass in its original form.

The Senate Democrats removed the substance and enforcement aspects of the bill and allowed it to be passed and signed into law. But because of the Senate democrats, blacks were still disenfranchised in the south—until Senator Lyndon Johnson ran for president.

Senator Johnson ran on a platform to restore Civil Rights for Blacks in the south. After Lyndon Johnson won the presidency, he restored the substance of the Civil Rights Act and signed it in 1964.

And with television taking a larger role in political news coverage at the time, Lyndon Johnson and the Democrat Party appeared to be the party that supports the Black Community. So within 10 years, after the presidential election of 1964, blacks drifted back into the hands of the Democrat Party.

Or, as I’ve heard them called, “the heirs of the Confederacy.”



Black America Forgot its Political Roots

So that’s how it happened. And after being locked out of the political arena for 68 years, Black people completely forgot about their political roots. And during those 68 years, generations of black children weren’t taught their political origins at home or in school. And it’s still not being taught today.

There’s no question that the Democrats have benefitted from the fact that black political history hasn’t been taught accurately over the years. And many in the Black community want to continue to support the Democrats.

But regardless how blacks feel about either party, Black history can’t be changed. And the contributions of blacks to the Republican Party should be taught and recognized.

Edmund Burke, a famous British politician and author, once said, “Those that don’t learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.”

Anyone that follows the political history of Blacks in America can see that Edmund Burke’s statement is very true.

Ken Raymond is a member of the Frederick Douglass Foundation.

BFT Discussion: Felons & Employments...Thoughts?

I received an email from BFT Family Member, Theodore Whitfield asking the following question:

How can a nation expect economic growth when the government refuses to establish a program to hire the growing number of convicted felons?

Thoughts???

BFT Comedy: Joe Clair...Very Funny!

New HBO Film: The Sunset Limited featuring Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones

President Obama's Weekly Address: Winning the Future at Intel

New Movie in Theaters Mother's Day: "Jumping the Broom"

Big Momma's Like Father, Like Son Hits Theaters on February 18, 2011

BFT Discussion: Is Kelley Williams-Bolar the Modern Day Rosa Parks?

We have talked about this story before. This is about a woman who was jailed for sending her children to school in a district that she did not live in. She said that she wanted to give them a better education and it was not available in the district in which she lived in. We have debated this before but I feel that should come up for discussion again.

Before we discuss let me tell you have I feel about this. I don't feel this warrants jail time. I do feel that school district is taking this too far. I feel that this situation could have been worked out differently. I feel they were trying to make an example out of her. The real problem is the school system and the lack of good education. Each child should have the same opportunity to get a quality education. I don't feel that there should even be districts. I feel that a child should go be able to go to the school of their choice. I thought everyone is suppose to have equality and this is not equality in my eyes.

Is Kelley Williams-Bolar the modern day Rosa Parks? They both stood up for what they believed. Their similarities are nonparallel. What would you have done in this situation? Would you fight this? Do you believe that she should have been jailed? Are you going to sit on the side lines because this don't affect you personally or are you prepared to let your voice be heard?